I still cannot articulate everything I do deserve, but I can say with confidence that I do not deserve to be unhappy. For now, let me just say I know I mean something to myself."
Julie Wesenberg (via dieworten)
i never seem to put others feelings
before mine in my own head
because i know that everyone always leaves.
i know that if i allow you to come first,
you will leave.
you cant leave.
the edge of the bed is much easier to sit on knowing you are so far behind me
i hold on to the moments when closeness was my only desire
you taught me how to love my own heart more than it wanted
my scars are sinking into my veins
creating a wave of guilt
i will never feel okay.
i promise, i will never feel okay.
my legs were tucked under yours to keep warm
when i woke the next morning
coffee on the dresser
i knew this was different
i did not feel any less real in this moment
my breaths were long and mellow
and our eyes met
we bonded over our names beginning with A
laughed over how easy it was to feel safe
cried when the alcohol tainted our beautiful minds
my hands were never shaky when you touched me
my heart never fluttered.
i knew that my words were tough enough to break your spine
so instead i offered my eyes
knowing and unhappy
i left the next morning
6 weeks later and i am faced with
a remembrance that we were a part of eachothers lives.
as far as i have come in those 6 weeks
i will end it with another thing leaving me
less whole then ive ever been.
thursday night in the park
she sits and stares at the leaves falling to the ground.
counting each breath, she lights a cigarette
in hopes of passing time.
unbearably cruel in all its weight
we live for the next moment though we don’t know when relief will come.
she chants these words.
friday morning on the damp city streets
he is stumbling forward bringing a flask to his lips every 5th step.
5 always meant the next bus home
but his feet never carried him to the station anymore
considering home was never there and a heart thats empty
never has a place to reside but in the deep empty cell
of a pulsing rib cage
there is no home and she
spends time thinking about how easy it is to find hope in others love to keep her going
but gives up on how easy it is to rest in her own arms
pillow stuck in between
rotating sides so a wet cheek is always stuck to a cold surface
we find comfort in the things we fear the most
broken people to fix and sweaty hands to hold
we forget that nothing can ever mean more than the beating of our own hearts.
flasks to lips
cold pillows to cheeks
to never feel relief.
YOU are the worst love poem i have EVER written.
i believed drunk words were sober thoughts.
i believed you every time you said you loved me.
I try to be hap-
py, but you will never know
how easy sad is.
At 10:20 pm on Saturday night
I stood in the front yard
toes curling into the pasty
soil beneath me, gripping on to loneliness.
In that moment I realized that fucking you wont
eliminate yesterday from my bones.
Tracing your ear with my thin lipped kisses wont
make me forget the wholeness I felt
when his hands would rest on my broken limbs
whispering the word beautiful 15 times in the passing
There were nights I heard more but I remembered that specifically
because it was the night he promised to never leave me
gasping for breaths that only he could provide.
It is tonight
where those words play in my head on repeat
reminding me that giving myself away once more
will solidify when he comes back
I will have nothing left to offer
but the back my neck and
the side of my cheek.
At 10:40 pm
I finished off the last drop of gin in the bottle
and gave you a look to come closer.
He had a freckle on the side of his jaw that I would lightly kiss
at the end of each night.
I looked for it and found nothing but disappointment rising in my throat.
It is tonight
I let you take me,
against my will,
though my body did not protest.
I tricked myself into thinking that fucking you
would make me feel as though I was hearing the words
beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
But my dear,
I will never feel as beautiful
as when I believed I would never be left
gasping for the breaths I knew only he could provide.
i care too much
and i am so sorry.
i am so fucking sorry.
i feel my nerve endings retract back up into themselves
each time i reach my hand out to touch yours,
afraid the sensation will crumble every barrier my haunted mind built
to prevent a you from ever getting in.
last night, i watched the moon
a little less than half full
shine her light on the black water of the ocean.
not forgetting the tiniest crevice of a wave.
as i sat on the beach
i reached for a handful of sand.
it showed me that i can only hold so much before
the unwanted spilled through the faulty cracks of my fingers.
i yelled so loudly, i could hear the dogs in the distance
start barking in recognition
of my cries.
I wanted so badly to keep that sand in my shaky palms
but i learned, nothing leaves without purpose.
i brought the flask to my cracked lips
tears painting my cheeks because i had no one near.
i let out another cry,
this time not helpless.
i knew that in the next moments
nothing but complete freedom would overwhelm me.
my arms floated so painlessly with the wind and my feet
appreciated the lapping waves sending a shiver through my body.
i laid down on my bundled sweater
allowing the warmth to take my thoughts to
being wrapped in your arms
hands locked and eyes wide feeling more alive
because your touch was all i needed.
I miss you
I miss the way our eyes would meet
in a crowded room
the taste of whiskey still in my mouth,
realizing that no one understood the slurring words
I can’t forget the nights we
spent sharing stories of our lives before we met.
Reclaiming our youth by smoking pot out of
the most sour granny smith apple I could have picked
in the parking lot of our neighborhood park.
The coffee stained our teeth and cigarettes
burnt holes in our lungs
while we rambled on about our
My throat would ache at the end of every night
from screaming the words to our favorite songs so loud.
I miss you.
I know i’ll see you again so soon
but being apart has made me realize
you are the only person close to me that
knows where each vein in my heart is placed
because you have lived in it and I hope
will never leave.