I’ve always had my reasons for trying to keep you so close. I don’t think the thought of losing a piece of myself was ever so terrifying. Then I understood that that piece was never mine. There was always a part of me that belonged to you. Maybe it was in your eyelash or maybe the bottom of your chest. It was always there.
Tonight I sit in my bed with a pillow in my arms and tears on my eyes after watching a film of two young people going their separate ways. Adulthood had taken them away from their friendship and the love they showed reminded me of this:
of all the nights we spent drinking while conversation rattled on about everything and nothing. The one time we started talking about children and love. Life and Happiness. Each time I would refrain from smiling to make sure you knew I was still paying attention and not just adoring your gestures.
I can’t articulate my feelings because they’re too overwhelming to contain. They are scary.
My love can flood you. When it does the flowers will grow bigger and taller than you ever imagined.
I never want to say goodbye to you. I never want to be more than a short drive away from you. I never want to give you a final hug. I know that when that song we both sing plays, it will be the last time I see you.
I never want that day to come.
Today I thought of you.
Your pale skin and wide hands,
blue eyes and deep voice.
I remember each night you walked me home
and every morning i’d allow you to
slide out my arms through my window.
When I tell people this story,
I don’t know how to explain that
you stayed all this time
just to see me stumble every time I tried to give myself
to someone else.
You kept me by fucking me
when I needed love
and loving me when i’m not around.
You’ve bruised my skin with your touch
and burned my heart with your words.
You applauded yourself by
insulting me on my choice to keep my youth
and you kept me from moving forward
You kept me from loving myself.
You kept me.
The night I said goodbye
I realized that I never knew how little
I love you meant until blood from the words
dripped down my back.
it will never be easy to look up
and continue loving just because the sun is shining.
it takes courage,
it takes life to
continue living when your breath says its enough.
yesterday, the neighbor came asking for sugar,
pouring it into the cup made me realize that nothing
was ever as sweet as the first time i got drunk
memorizing the shape of the moon plastered on your shoulder.
it will never be easy
to accept that life always has more to offer than the doubt below our noses.
certainty always came in moments sparing innocence
and life was always more exciting in the times reclaiming our youth.
it will always be easy
to remember what love feels like
when the pen is in your hand
and the story is no longer my own.
We’ll always win.
we measured moments of closeness in lighter flicks
and comfortable hugs,
awkward hand grabs and shared cigarettes,
too much to drink and ideas of the future.
its easier to think of life as a game when the clouds mirror themselves on the ocean
to show your hand holding mine
fingers locked keeping the two jagged puzzle pieces together.
i keep replaying in my head the night you said,
“i cant wait for the day…”
“ill see you soon”
its moments like this where i realize how simple it can be.
how easy love can scoop you up and put you in
a place where everything works properly.
the doors open without squeaking
and the hearts beat without breaking
my room collects the dust of lovers past,
trinkets from the fallen,
and clothes from friends that i don’t see anymore.
i never know exactly where ill find you in the jumble
but itll always be somewhere near me
so i remember every time i would rest my head
in the crease of your neck,
i dont remember the last time i went to bed without numb fingers
because every time i would reach out to touch your hand
i could never stretch far enough
the doctors told me that spring would bring new light
they told me that one more pill
would make me feel normal
one more would keep me from thinking
i never wanted to stop
my mind is like a childs, i can never hold on
(i hold too tightly.)
its always this time of year that i get like this
this time that my body tells me i should be gone
another year just doesn’t make sense
it’s always a birthday where i gain something that another loses
it’s another year and i’m still alone
my heart beats the same pattern of the stars
reflected on your cheek
i will never see the spring light.
it will never let me see.
5 steps forward and 19 steps back.
19 fucking steps back.
I still cannot articulate everything I do deserve, but I can say with confidence that I do not deserve to be unhappy. For now, let me just say I know I mean something to myself."
Julie Wesenberg (via dieworten)
i never seem to put others feelings
before mine in my own head
because i know that everyone always leaves.
i know that if i allow you to come first,
you will leave.
you cant leave.
the edge of the bed is much easier to sit on knowing you are so far behind me
i hold on to the moments when closeness was my only desire
you taught me how to love my own heart more than it wanted
my scars are sinking into my veins
creating a wave of guilt
i will never feel okay.
i promise, i will never feel okay.
my legs were tucked under yours to keep warm
when i woke the next morning
coffee on the dresser
i knew this was different
i did not feel any less real in this moment
my breaths were long and mellow
and our eyes met
we bonded over our names beginning with A
laughed over how easy it was to feel safe
cried when the alcohol tainted our beautiful minds
my hands were never shaky when you touched me
my heart never fluttered.
i knew that my words were tough enough to break your spine
so instead i offered my eyes
knowing and unhappy
i left the next morning
6 weeks later and i am faced with
a remembrance that we were a part of eachothers lives.
as far as i have come in those 6 weeks
i will end it with another thing leaving me
less whole then ive ever been.
thursday night in the park
she sits and stares at the leaves falling to the ground.
counting each breath, she lights a cigarette
in hopes of passing time.
unbearably cruel in all its weight
we live for the next moment though we don’t know when relief will come.
she chants these words.
friday morning on the damp city streets
he is stumbling forward bringing a flask to his lips every 5th step.
5 always meant the next bus home
but his feet never carried him to the station anymore
considering home was never there and a heart thats empty
never has a place to reside but in the deep empty cell
of a pulsing rib cage
there is no home and she
spends time thinking about how easy it is to find hope in others love to keep her going
but gives up on how easy it is to rest in her own arms
pillow stuck in between
rotating sides so a wet cheek is always stuck to a cold surface
we find comfort in the things we fear the most
broken people to fix and sweaty hands to hold
we forget that nothing can ever mean more than the beating of our own hearts.
flasks to lips
cold pillows to cheeks
to never feel relief.
YOU are the worst love poem i have EVER written.
i believed drunk words were sober thoughts.
i believed you every time you said you loved me.