And I love you
There are times when all I see is blue and the words don’t seem to make sense and all I think about is how cold my skin is in comparison to your warmth,
I stare, at the ounce of confidence radiating from your pores,
You take me,
Further than I’ve ever been.
And I love you.
There’s a time you’ll see it:
When the blood is dripping down your knee the first time you fall off your bike at age 6.
When you kiss the boy you think you loved at age 14.
When you know your knuckles are bruised from fighting your own thoughts too long.
Sometimes it’s hard to think that everything that happens to you is out of your control,
to almost feed into the predestination philosophy and just be happy with where you’re at.
With all the people telling you “Just think of someone who has it worse..”
in this hell of a time I’m in I am going to ignore my despair to mourn someone else’s.
It’ll never make sense.
There’s a time you’ll see it:
When you’ve got a drink in one hand and a cigarette in another
grasping on to the conversation with a stranger in a crowded room at age 19.
When you think you’ve got thick skin and an even thicker blanket the first time you drove north.
When you finally threw your hands up
and screamed fucks and shits so loud the neighbors started looking.
When the tears don’t stop and the air is too tight in your lungs.
There’s a time you’ll see it:
When the lights shut off and you’ve got no one but your own arms to fall asleep in.
We’ve got different names for things like happiness
You say you’ve never broken a bone and I recount the stories
of flesh cut open and wounds only the doctors could lick.
I’ve never known exactly how to be still in your presence because nothing
calming accurately represents your demeanor.
you stand leaving tears in the eyes of your lovers because nothing touches the heart of a stone
nothing comes close to your eyes going dark,
and I dare you to tell me I’m wrong.
I dare you to say that you know how to change
and I promise that the next time your heart stops beating,
my love will be foot prints covering
the miles between us.
If my heart was only my own I swear this life would be easier.
Instead, I hand it to each and every one of you
on what seems like a cushion of promises and a pocket full of hope.
I can’t see that the roots are crumbling just as fast as the tree grew tall.
I am blinded by love
because I cannot feel any of it for myself.
I let it take over my body and suck me dry
leaving a hollow mess of a human,
and at what cost?
For the light in my room to go off at night with the worry that you’ll be gone?
I never knew how much I allowed to take me.
So I published an EP of my poetry! The link is sydneykenney.bandcamp.com and I’d super appreciate it if you could give it a listen, give me some feedback, or reblog this/ show your friends who are interested in spoken word!
I tried to sneak through the back door and out of this town.
I tried to remove my name from the boldness of that statement.
I tried to believe that the mistakes I have made taught me.
I tried to believe you.
I tried to believe that I knew how to live.
I tried to live.
I have never been so tired of living.
I tried to make sure you never saw the bad.
You saw it.
I tried to keep the windows open and the sun shining through.
I tried to keep the gas tank full and my eyes on adventure.
I have tried all of these things.
I have tried all of these things and failed.
I tried to succeed.
I still failed.
The day is coming and the back door is open.
I’ll try to remember your face when I look the other way.
When I was younger my floor seemed more comfortable to sleep on because I knew I didn’t deserve the comfort of a warm bed. My body would try to form to the concrete in hopes of molding my views on the world. In a helpless haste I would shut my eyes to dream.
I never understood that hardship was inevitable and jealousy always optional. It was never clear to me that even when the ground beneath my aching feet was breaking, trees were still growing tall.
It seems as though age creates a boundary between self and self. Growth and youth. Death and life. Knowledge and stupidity. Love and loss. I wish I knew when to believe these things were natural. When tears are okay. When the bruises on my body show my passion to keep moving.
I’ve never slowed my life down for anyone. There was never a love I’ve felt strong enough to give me hope in feeling comfort. My heart is hollow knowing that firm beliefs do not change. My mind is tired knowing that I’ll always have to fight to keep my legs moving.
I’ve always had my reasons for trying to keep you so close. I don’t think the thought of losing a piece of myself was ever so terrifying. Then I understood that that piece was never mine. There was always a part of me that belonged to you. Maybe it was in your eyelash or maybe the bottom of your chest. It was always there.
Tonight I sit in my bed with a pillow in my arms and tears on my eyes after watching a film of two young people going their separate ways. Adulthood had taken them away from their friendship and the love they showed reminded me of this:
of all the nights we spent drinking while conversation rattled on about everything and nothing. The one time we started talking about children and love. Life and Happiness. Each time I would refrain from smiling to make sure you knew I was still paying attention and not just adoring your gestures.
I can’t articulate my feelings because they’re too overwhelming to contain. They are scary.
My love can flood you. When it does the flowers will grow bigger and taller than you ever imagined.
I never want to say goodbye to you. I never want to be more than a short drive away from you. I never want to give you a final hug. I know that when that song we both sing plays, it will be the last time I see you.
I never want that day to come.
Today I thought of you.
Your pale skin and wide hands,
blue eyes and deep voice.
I remember each night you walked me home
and every morning i’d allow you to
slide out my arms through my window.
When I tell people this story,
I don’t know how to explain that
you stayed all this time
just to see me stumble every time I tried to give myself
to someone else.
You kept me by fucking me
when I needed love
and loving me when i’m not around.
You’ve bruised my skin with your touch
and burned my heart with your words.
You applauded yourself by
insulting me on my choice to keep my youth
and you kept me from moving forward
You kept me from loving myself.
You kept me.
The night I said goodbye
I realized that I never knew how little
I love you meant until blood from the words
dripped down my back.
it will never be easy to look up
and continue loving just because the sun is shining.
it takes courage,
it takes life to
continue living when your breath says its enough.
yesterday, the neighbor came asking for sugar,
pouring it into the cup made me realize that nothing
was ever as sweet as the first time i got drunk
memorizing the shape of the moon plastered on your shoulder.
it will never be easy
to accept that life always has more to offer than the doubt below our noses.
certainty always came in moments sparing innocence
and life was always more exciting in the times reclaiming our youth.
it will always be easy
to remember what love feels like
when the pen is in your hand
and the story is no longer my own.
We’ll always win.
we measured moments of closeness in lighter flicks
and comfortable hugs,
awkward hand grabs and shared cigarettes,
too much to drink and ideas of the future.
its easier to think of life as a game when the clouds mirror themselves on the ocean
to show your hand holding mine
fingers locked keeping the two jagged puzzle pieces together.
i keep replaying in my head the night you said,
“i cant wait for the day…”
“ill see you soon”
its moments like this where i realize how simple it can be.
how easy love can scoop you up and put you in
a place where everything works properly.
the doors open without squeaking
and the hearts beat without breaking
my room collects the dust of lovers past,
trinkets from the fallen,
and clothes from friends that i don’t see anymore.
i never know exactly where ill find you in the jumble
but itll always be somewhere near me
so i remember every time i would rest my head
in the crease of your neck,
i dont remember the last time i went to bed without numb fingers
because every time i would reach out to touch your hand
i could never stretch far enough
the doctors told me that spring would bring new light
they told me that one more pill
would make me feel normal
one more would keep me from thinking
i never wanted to stop
my mind is like a childs, i can never hold on
(i hold too tightly.)
its always this time of year that i get like this
this time that my body tells me i should be gone
another year just doesn’t make sense
it’s always a birthday where i gain something that another loses
it’s another year and i’m still alone
my heart beats the same pattern of the stars
reflected on your cheek
i will never see the spring light.
it will never let me see.
5 steps forward and 19 steps back.
19 fucking steps back.